Your child knows the material at home, then freezes as soon as the test paper is handed out. They put off an assignment until the last minute, or start the same exercise over ten times. Behind this behaviour there is often a fear of failure, which Dutch speakers call “faalangst”. It is more common than you might think, and it can be understood.
Does your child recognise themselves in these situations?
Fear of failure is not always visible. It shows up very differently from one young person to another. A few signs come up often:
- they freeze before or during a test, an exam or a presentation;
- they do nothing for weeks, then panic at the last moment;
- they study well, but feel sick at the mere word “test”;
- they want to do everything perfectly and seize up at the slightest mistake;
- they keep saying “I’m going to get it wrong again” or “I’ll never manage”;
- they don’t enjoy good results, because they only see what could have been better.
This behaviour is often mistaken for laziness or a lack of motivation. It is usually the opposite: your child freezes precisely because the result matters so much to them.
What is fear of failure?
People often picture something simple: being afraid of failing. In young people, it is more complex. It is the fear of not being good enough, of disappointing their parents or themselves, of being judged by classmates or teachers, or that a single mistake will ruin everything.
For a young person who is afraid of failing, every assessment becomes a measure of their worth. A test, a presentation or a school report no longer judges only their work, but also who they are. That is why this fear has such an impact on their daily life.
Fear of failure is a pattern that settles in, especially in young people who are sensitive to pressure, whether it comes from themselves, from school or from those around them. This pattern can change: a young person who understands what is happening in their head learns to defuse it.
The five faces of fear of failure
Procrastination
When a task feels too important, the young person can no longer approach it calmly. Every time they try to get started, an inner alarm goes off. So they put it off, sometimes until panic alone finally gets them moving.
Paralysing perfectionism
Convinced in advance that their work won’t be perfect, the pupil doesn’t dare to start, or endlessly rewrites the same assignment. Some would rather hand in nothing than work they consider imperfect. Successes are never celebrated: all that counts is what still needs improving.
Freezing during a test or presentation
This is the well-known “going blank”: your child gets stuck on questions they had mastered perfectly the night before. They studied seriously, and yet the marks don’t follow. The body switches to alert mode and the brain can no longer reach what it knows.
Physical complaints
Fear also shows up in the body:
- stomach aches, nausea or headaches before a test or during the exam period;
- poor sleep the night or nights before;
- for some, a very strong surge of anxiety, sometimes to the point of a panic attack.
A constant need for reassurance
“Is this OK?”, “Do you think I can do it?”, “Will you be angry if I get a bad mark?” Your child tries to calm their fear by asking for your opinion. In the moment, it soothes them; in the long run, it rarely helps them trust themselves.
What your child goes through, and what you go through
Many young people describe a battle in their head: “I know I can do it, but something is blocking me.” “The harder I try, the more stressed I get.” “I want to, but I don’t dare.”
For you, as a parent, this is very hard. You see their talent and abilities, and at the same time the fear holding them back. A sense of helplessness sets in. Understanding what is going on in their head helps you see where they get stuck, and help them without adding more pressure.
How to help your child day to day
Fear of failure rarely goes away on its own, and “a bit more discipline” is not enough. What makes the difference is working on what keeps it going: recurring thoughts, the pressure they feel and the way they react to mistakes. A few ideas:
- Praise effort and progress, not just the mark. Ask “what did you learn?” rather than “what did you get?”.
- Take the drama out of mistakes. Talk about your own mistakes and what they taught you: your child will see that getting things wrong is part of learning.
- Break big tasks down into small, concrete steps. A modest first step often switches off the alarm that leads to procrastination.
- Practise under exam conditions: redoing an exercise against the clock, without notes, makes the real situation less threatening.
- Acknowledge their feelings without playing them down. “I can see you’re worried” reassures more than “it’s nothing”.
- Keep an eye on your own expectations. Even well-meant, unspoken pressure (comparisons with a brother, a sister or a classmate) can feed the fear.
To manage stress during exam periods, our article 5 study tips to pass your exams speaks directly to your child.
When to ask for help?
If the fear of failure persists, or comes with frequent physical complaints, refusal to go to school or general unhappiness, talk about it. Your child’s form teacher and the school’s PMS centre (psycho-medical-social centre) are good first contacts: the PMS centre is free and bound by professional confidentiality. Your GP can also refer you to a psychologist.
If the fear seems linked to a wider dislike of school, our article My child doesn’t like school can help you see things more clearly.
The role of a coach
One-to-one support often helps break the cycle. In private lessons, your child can make mistakes without the whole class watching, ask all their questions and see their progress lesson after lesson. A coach also helps them plan their work in steps, which reduces procrastination.
At My Sherpa, an educational advisor chooses the coach according to your child’s profile and needs. Our study skills lessons help them get organised and approach tests more calmly. Lessons take place at home, anywhere in Belgium, or online.
