Every evening, the same scene: you insist, you repeat, you check. Tension rises and homework turns into conflict. By carrying your child’s schooling on your own, you have become the “homework police”. Here is how to step out of that role and bring calm back to your home.
The vicious circle of the “homework police”
Many families know the pattern. The more your child dawdles, the more you check. The more you check, the more they resist. And the evening ends in shouting or tears, on both sides.
The price is twofold:
- the relationship suffers, because every conversation revolves around school;
- your child’s independence stalls, because you are the one carrying the responsibility for their work.
The good news: this circle can be broken. Changing your position is often enough, without letting go of your child.
Words that block, without meaning to
When we are tired or worried, our words sometimes go further than we intend. For a child, the line is thin between criticism of their work and criticism of who they are.
Three classic traps:
- The vague reproach: “You just need to work harder!” Without a method, your child feels alone in front of a mountain.
- The emotional debt: “I’ve done everything for you, make an effort!” This creates pressure to pay you back rather than a wish to learn.
- The “it’s easy”: “You don’t understand that?” This undermines self-esteem, and your child stops asking questions for fear of disappointing you.
A phrase to try: replace “Why can’t you do it?” with “What do you need to move forward on this exercise?”. The question changes target: it is about the problem, no longer about the child.
Why does your child resist so much?
When a child pushes back against homework, laziness is rarely the real reason. Resistance is often a defensive reaction that hides something else.
They no longer have a neutral zone
When you are both parent and supervisor, home becomes an extension of the classroom. Your child then takes every comment about school as a comment about themselves.
They are defending their independence
The more we insist, the more some children resist to prove they exist on their own terms. This is especially true at the start of adolescence, when the need for independence grows.
They are hiding a difficulty
Refusal can signal a lack of method, gaps that have built up in a subject, or a real fear of failure. In that case, insisting more only deepens the block. If the unease goes beyond homework and affects school itself, our article my child doesn’t like school can help you see more clearly.
What school really expects from homework in primary
Good to know before you wear yourself out: in French-speaking schools in Belgium (Wallonia-Brussels Federation), a 2001 decree regulates homework in primary education. It provides for:
- no written homework in the 1st and 2nd years of primary;
- 20 minutes maximum per day in the 3rd and 4th years;
- 30 minutes maximum per day in the 5th and 6th years;
- homework the child can do without an adult’s help.
In other words, primary school homework is designed to be done alone. If your child spends much longer on it every evening, or cannot move forward without you, talk calmly with their teacher: it is useful information for them too.
In secondary school, there is no such limit and the workload increases sharply. This is often where conflicts set in, because you no longer master every subject.
From manager to ally
The aim is to change your position while staying present. Three levers help.
1. Take care of the setting, leave the content to them
Your first role is emotional security. Your child needs to feel that your pride does not depend on their report card. Focus on what is within your control:
- a quiet, tidy place to work;
- a regular schedule, agreed with them;
- materials in order and limited screen time while working;
- sleep and meals.
Exercises and memorising are their business. Stay available for a question, then simply check together that the work is done.
2. Set up school-free moments
Agree together on a time of day, for example the evening meal, when nobody talks about school or grades. This protected time reminds your child that they are loved for who they are, not for what they produce.
The same principle applies to weekends: a fixed slot for work, and the rest of the time free of any school remarks.
3. Make an agreement rather than give orders
With an older child or a teenager, set the rules together: what time, how long, what happens if the work isn’t done. A discussed agreement is better respected than an instruction repeated ten times. And it spares you from being a constant reminder.
When to call on a neutral third party
Sometimes the emotional bond is too strong for learning to go smoothly at home. This is a very common situation, and recognising it is already a way of helping your child. An outside helper then brings what a parent can hardly offer:
- neutrality: no history, no argument from the day before, just the work to be done;
- method: a coach helps your child find the answer themselves, instead of giving it to them;
- relief: they take on organisation and expectations, and you keep encouragement and comfort.
At My Sherpa, an educational advisor chooses the right coach for your child. In primary school,homework help helps them work independently and get organised. In secondary school, private tutoring targets the subjects that are causing trouble, and support with study skills helps them plan and study effectively. Sessions take place at home, anywhere in Belgium, or online.
Calm, the best driver of success
Doing well at school is a long-term project. Protecting the bond you share with your child is a lifelong one.
By letting go of the controller role, you remain fully involved: you give your child the security they need to dare, make mistakes and progress on their own. Entrusting part of the schoolwork to a coach means protecting your role as a parent and letting your relationship breathe again.
