A child who believes in their abilities dares to raise their hand, makes mistakes without losing heart and tries again. Self-confidence is no fixed personality trait: it grows day by day, at home and at school. Here is how to help your child build it.
What is self-confidence?
Self-confidence means believing in what you can do and in the person you are. Flemish educationalist and behavioural therapist Marijke Bisschop wrote a book on the subject for teenagers, Bouwen aan zelfvertrouwen (Lannoo, 2004), which inspired this article.
It has two sides:
- the worth you give yourself: your self-image, the feeling that you deserve respect, whether you succeed or not;
- confidence in your abilities: the belief that you can learn, improve and reach a goal.
At school, both matter. A pupil can feel loved and still doubt themselves in maths. Another can get excellent marks and feel worthless at the slightest setback.
Why does it matter so much at school?
Believing in yourself is one of the driving forces of development. A child who sees themselves as “useless” ends up no longer trying: why bother, if it won’t work anyway? Confidence, on the other hand, drives you to do what you are capable of.
It also acts as a buffer against stress and criticism. A bad mark then becomes information about what still needs work, rather than a verdict on who you are.
What shapes your child’s confidence
Self-confidence is formed under several pressures, which add up:
- parents’ expectations;
- the demands of school, and marks;
- how friends and the group see them;
- a society that values performance, and social media that invite comparison;
- the pressure children put on themselves.
On comparison online, the article on the impact of social media on students’ lives offers practical ideas.
How can you spot a lack of self-confidence?
A child or teenager with enough self-confidence often has a positive self-image. They dare to show vulnerability, take on challenges and make mistakes.
A lack of confidence, on the other hand, often shows through a few signs:
- they see the negative side of what happens to them first;
- they constantly compare themselves with others, whom they imagine to be more gifted or happier;
- they avoid anything new or difficult;
- they aim for impossible perfection, or give up at the first obstacle.
A lack of confidence often goes hand in hand with fear of failure, perfectionism or the fear of missing out (FOMO). If anxiety before tests becomes overwhelming, talk to the class teacher or the school’s PMS centre (pupil guidance centre).
Good news: confidence can be built
Self-confidence changes over time and from one context to another. Your child may be self-assured on the football pitch and shy in class. Because it shifts, it can also be strengthened, through practice.
Sometimes you have to step out of your comfort zone to realise that you have a say in how you see yourself. Every small challenge met is proof, for the child, that they can do it.
How your child can boost their own self-confidence
These tips are mainly for teenagers. You can suggest them to your child, or explore them together:
- set challenging but realistic goals, broken down into small steps;
- mind your posture: straight back, firm stance, eyes forward;
- wear clothes you feel good in;
- stop comparing yourself: everyone has doubts about something, even those who seem very sure of themselves;
- rehearse a presentation in advance, in front of the mirror or a parent;
- try again when something doesn’t work the first time.
A useful technique is positive self-talk. It takes a little practice to notice what you tell yourself. Replacing “I’m going to fail” with “I’m ready, I’ve got this” before an exam already changes your mindset.
How to help your child, as a parent
The way you look at your child matters a great deal. A few simple attitudes make a difference every day:
- Welcome their ideas and questions. If they announce “When I grow up, I’ll be a pilot!”, reply “Great, what does a pilot need to be able to do?” rather than “You’ll never make it”.
- Write down their proud moments together. One thing a day they are proud of: in a notebook, or on a slip of paper dropped in a box.
- Encourage them to do what they can, without demanding a particular result. They will feel your support, not pressure.
- Criticise the behaviour, not the child. “What you did wasn’t nice” rather than “You’re mean”.
- Allow them to make mistakes, while remaining the safe harbour they can come back to.
If your child drags their feet on the way to school, the article “My child doesn’t like school” can also help you understand what is going on.
The coach’s role in a pupil’s confidence
Private tutoring also plays out on this ground. One to one, pupils dare to ask the questions they don’t dare ask in class. At My Sherpa, our coaches rely on a few principles:
- talking in terms of solutions rather than limitations;
- giving a sincere compliment now and then, and telling the pupil you believe in them;
- commenting on the process (method, effort, strategy) rather than the result alone;
- giving the pupil a say: “What did you think of this test? How would you do it differently?”;
- praising every step forward, even two exercises out of ten done right.
These small, repeated successes end up changing the way the pupil sees themselves. Study skills lessons work in the same direction: an organised pupil feels more in control, and so more confident.
Tailored support
When a lack of confidence takes hold in a subject, regular support can turn things around. At My Sherpa, an educational advisor chooses the coach who suits your child, for private tutoring in secondary school as well as in primary. Lessons take place at home anywhere in Belgium, or online.
